I Suck at It

They say that we should be careful with what we wish for. When you get it, it may not be what you want.

I had been working for 18 years now and been in the same position for 16.5 years. I was always aware that there are still so much more to learn being in this position. I didn’t race to be a manager because I want to be good at it.

Last year, I had been given a chance to contribute something that is unique. I started learning how to build actual eLearning modules. I came into it excited because I will be learning the application. As confident as I am with how I learn things, there was one thing that was missing — a mentor.

Up to this point, my skills had been unpolished. Sure, I know how to do a lot of things and I am good with some of them but I know that they are unpolished. Partly, because I was always afraid of hearing feedback, a phenomenon that traumatized me growing up. I don’t hold anyone accountable, their hearts were in a good place but the way it was done had affected my experience with it.

I listen a lot to Adam Grant. He has a podcast where he interviews thought leaders. There are interviews where their ideas don’t see eye-to-eye, they’d agree to disagree and still pleasantly end the conversation. I can convince myself that it may be scripted, after all it is a show. I know, that it isn’t scripted. There was something valuable in the way he accepts ideas and feedback. I want to learn that as well.

I haven’t been so sure of what had been holding me back. It was there and at first, I didn’t see. When it became obvious, I still didn’t want to look at it. It has been holding me back.

I am very much aware that I am not perfect and that is ok. Over the years, the ability to write an essay had deteriorated. I can think of one hundred reasons why it did for me. There’s one reason that is very real, because I let it.

I started learning about the tool last year. I am still learning it. I can’t say that I am good at it but I am getting better. I did get what I wished for, a mentor. For the first time, I am hearing the words that I have always been wanting to get. “Our presentation did not go well and here are the things we can improve.” I heard that and part of me was reminded that I suck at it.

I was about to believe the voices in my head. For some days now, I had been living in my head. I am starting to embrace a reality that my brain was creating for me. I am starting to believe that I am not good with what I do and I should be afraid of new people because they are better than me and I would lose my relevance then, all of my hard work will be invalidated. And that chance for me to grow, go up the the corporate ladder or the chance to be seconded is gone.

I really thought I was better at being aware with what happens with my brain. I am not yet. I need a break. I need to regroup. I had been feeling tired.

I am happy to have mentor and I want these feedback to be able to guide me and help me shine. I know, there’s no other way but up. Since I suck at this whole process, it means that I have so much more room to grow into. It is very much exciting. I am happy that I suck at it. I am happy that I can say that now. I am happy someone’s willing to turn this lead into gold. I am happy that this time, I want to help my self and I want to see me shine.

At the same time, this whole process can be tiring.

Watch this space. I am going back to writing. I still suck at it too but the good news is, it will get better. That’ amazing. Plus, I want to make the most out of this keyboard.

It feels good to think about things. It feels good to be able to write them. It feels good that I can still type with my eyes closed, at least, half of the time.

If you have tips, share them with me. I’d love to hear them.